I’m not a fan of property repossession, and given the fact I’ve failed to get a job having applied for everything available bar sex slavery, I’ve been forced to re-open a slammed door and re-register as a healthcare professional.

Mandatory training was never going to be fun. I knew it had the potential as writing material but it surpassed my expectations…

From the outset it was evident that the course leader had the ego born out of still sharing a bed with his mother – and used the entire day to try and prove himself to his audience, making sexual references at a frequency that gave me a feeling that could only have been relieved by ripping off all of my skin.

If there’s any clarity needed about the character of this man, here’s an example of one of his jokes, (one he obviously uses every day and still finds it hilarious, in addition to it reinforcing his belief that he’s a lady-killer, as a result of his wit): “feel free to put the kettle on – but be careful: it might not fit”.

40 minutes after the starting time, during which we were treated to a combination of the worst stand-up attempt and drivel about what we weren’t going to be taught, we commenced “intro time”. This filled the purpose of scratching the leader’s itch to find out personal stuff about us, and then gave him the opportunity to introduce himself  again…. He’s worked every specialism known to man – plus a few he’s made up, he’s worked in every country in the world – plus a few he’s made up, he works out 3 hours every morning and he’s just got a new Mercedes and some new bedding for his home – which I can only imagine he shares with an invisible woman he believes is Jane McDonald, Hoovering in a leotard.

With a smugness David Brent could only dream of and a much-rehearsed ‘wink-and-point’, he purred “without me, people can’t work”. They also can’t sleep at night without washing themselves for 2 hours with a Brilo pad.

“I don’t use powerpoints they’re lazy” – phrase otherwise known as “I’m too lazy to use powerpoints and also the entire subject matter will be me”. 

We eventually start with Risk Assessment. The whole of healthcare and the examples that could have been used, he selects this gem: “…for example, when you all walked in this morning you risked assessed your safety by sussing out everyone and whether they hated you. You all started off paranoid and I made you feel safe – which is my job.”

He proceeds to inform us that adrenaline is released from your kidneys when you’re excited about sex.

We move back onto the reoccurring theme of his pending Marathon, (I tallied the number of times he mentioned this throughout the day and it was 7), to which some foolish girl responds “wow”. No! Don’t feed the ego even more for heaven’s sake.

Then we’re treated to Manual Handling. I kid you not: “I have scratches all over my back, but that’s from stuff at home”.

I’m writing down everything he says and he asks me what I’m doing…

Me: “doodling”.

Him: “Ah I just had this sense when you came in you were good at art – you draw at lot at home don’t you?”

Me: “No.”

I’ve got an over-keen guy with a prosthetic nose to my left and a girl who claims she is dying (and has a dead cousin…) to my right. I’m losing the will to live.

The subsequent ‘required to be safe to practice healthcare’ topics were in the format of ‘discuss it between yourselves whilst I go and grind my deprived penis on the corner of the receptionist’s desk’. He then comes back in asking us what we have learnt and then responds to our silence with “come on guys, this is just getting boring”.

It occurs to me how much they are paying this man and I want to cry.

I try not to be sick, or to kill him, and keep myself occupied by writing down all his quotes. Here are some of the best:

“You’ve got to be careful where you put your hands when you’re rummaging through someone’s bed.”

(After an earlier massive lecture about respect) “Bin men – bless them.”

“What do I know about you? Are you wearing underwear?” (Said whilst drawing a picture of some curtains – which was actually a vulva).

“You know the website”

“Be wary of flashing people’s bits when you’re hoisting them.”

“I had my manual handling DVD stolen – I was very upset.”

“I dive with sharks”

And my very favourite quote: “I know a police woman that saw someone get decapacitated”. (Capacitation: the penultimate step in the maturation of mammalian spermatozoa and is required to render them competent to fertilize an oocyte).

Someone pay me to write – please.


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